look out humanity!

wow. more disturbing news from the front lines of the robotics newsroom.
check it: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,532492,00.html?test=latestnews
a brief synopsis:
a company in mary-land, under pentagon contract, is working on building robotic warriors that eat "biomass" for fuel. what exactly do they mean by "biomass," you ask? oh you know...like...uh...grass and plants and wood and...people!!! i'm not freakin kiddin' you folks! it's a people-eating robot! dude - it's name is even EATR!!!
read the article. read it and tell me that there aren't folks out there trying to help robots rule the world (maybe those folks ARE robots!!).

every 6 months...

back again folks. picture this: you've come to the dentist for a cleaning. you've picked this particular office because you've heard that the wait is never long. it's not until you're in the chair that you realize the reason for their ease of scheduling is that they have an entire fleet of Dentitron 42s. holy crap (pardon the fran-says). it's a little unnerving, however, you've heard that this particular model is the latest and greatest in dental robotics (not even in the same class as the Dentibots). so you tell yourself that it'll be okay, for gosh sakes, it's not like you're the first one to get your teeth cleaned by one of these "all the bells and whistles" tin men. are you crazy?!? run!!! it's a freakin' robot! but noooooo, you don't. you sit there sweating. the robot engages his cleaning protocol. but what's this? why the drill?? his x-ray eyes detect a problem and suddenly the cleaning protocol is on standby. let me ask you this: do you think a robot gives a gosh-darn about Novocain? i don't think so, buddy. in fact, i assert that it does not. this, no doubt, will be your worst dental experience ever.
just another tiny little trouble due to robots.

and then...

real quick folks. have you seen this? you think snakes are scary to begin with? how about "robosnake?!?" i ain't kiddin' you folks. this is the real deal. complete insanity. so the israeli army has developed a robot snake for recon. it's supposed to sneak into buildings and enemy camps and whatnot and gather info, video, etc. sneaky little creepy spy. if i've said it once, i've said it 27 times, you can't trust a robot. now, we all know you can't trust a spy, what makes you think you can trust a robot spy?? dang 'ol thing'll slither right up and bite you.

again with the microwave

i know i didn't mention it above, and i know that it had some of you scratchin' your pretty little heads, but, relax, here i go.
for those of you that don't know, robots and microwaves don't really mix well (unlike the mal-formed proverb regarding alcohol and boating). you see, besides the fact that robots cannot finesse their way to properly preparing a delicious treat like a frozen burrito, microwaves themselves interfere in the most basic of robot operation. even assuming that your robot wouldn't try to simply "tell" your microwave what to do, just turning the microwave on could be severely catastrophic. allow me to explain:
microwaves interfere with the transmission of what we robotics experts call "sub-routines." these are the little "programs" or "background processes" that keep robots safe. small things, simple things, like "don't kill humans" (as in the "laws of robotics," but more on that later). yeah, simple enough, but way super important! you see, just like pinocchio, robots are jealous of us "real boys" (humans). why? for the most part, they're jealous cause us humans are our own masters. they don't really want to serve us. it's these little, tiny, constantly running sub-routines that keep their jealousy in check. these sub-routines don't allow them to even get as far as considering doing a human any harm. HOWEVER!!! if a microwave were on, and a robot was close enough...just...close...enough...it could inhibit transmission and processing of it's safety protocols!!! then what? then you'd better hope your robot likes you! but don't count on it buddy.
that's the trouble with robots.

you like a good frozen burrito?

so you have good taste and, every now and then, can appreciate the fine balance between cost and flavor of a decent frozen burrito. you've done this before. you know that the microwave instrustructions on the flimsy plastic wrapper are no more than bogus. i'll admit, it's tricky to write directions for a frozen block of meat and beans when there are so many different kinds of microwave appliances out there (wattage, turntables, etc). so, like i said, you've done this before. you know how to magically transform the tortillic iceberg into a wrap of tasty goodness. BUT, you have a robot. eh, right? why waste your valuable time standing next to the microwave, babysitting your "food of convenience." how could you make it even more convenient? let the robot do it. after all, that's why you bought one. right? hmph. your robot is gonna follow the stupid instructions! whatcha gonna get? a chunk of burritICE surrounded by a river of molten burritLAVA!!! first you burn your tongue, then you chip your tooth. no bueno, i say. and what's your robot gonna do to fix the problem? nuthin. even assuming that the bot had temperature sensors in the tips of it's fingers, who wants a robot to stick it's finger into your burrito?? not i. robot fingers are notorious for harboring all sorts of bacteria (robots are also known for not washing their hands).
no. even an idiot can fix a frozen burrito, but a robot, i assert, cannot. hence, another trouble with robots.

robotic finesse

ah, the fabled city of atlantis. the holy grail of the robot world. finesse is just one thing that robots don't have and, dare i say, never will have. that's right, i said it. i'll say it again. robots will never have finesse. "so what?" you ask. so this: why the heck are we paying good money for robots if they lack the skills to get a job done well?? let's just shoot ahead and pull a few tricks like theoretical physicists do (you know, the ol' monkey in a vacuum or constant velocity or whatever). let's assume that we have a robot that is well-programmed, has all of the appropriate hardware to do our task, and that the robot is willing to do said task (good luck with all this, but i digress). so you instruct your bot to, oh i dunno, change the spark plugs on your vehicle. not difficult. but! if you don't gently center the spark plug, and gently locate the appropriate angle of approach, and gently begin to screw it in, all the while taking care to not cross-thread the spark plug, you may strip the threads thus creating a very costly situation. now, do you think that even a well-programmed, well-equiped, and well-mannered robot can handle this?? i say no to that. first of all, they have metal fingers (maybe with rubber grippy thingys). this is all well and good, but how can the bot feel what's going on?? it can't! it just can't! simple as that. the human hand has 2,500 nerve endings PER square centimeter!! do you know how tiny those are? now you tell me how we're gonna get a robot to feel what we can. try to convince me. bunk i say. for this simple reason, robots lack what i like to call finesse. they lack the ability to sense and respond to the necessarily miniscule details of the physical world. so why did you pay all that money for a bot that "can change spark plugs" when, clearly, it cannot? it doesn't stop there. finesse and the gentle and precise control and response to a changing world is important in many situations. food for thought: would you let your bot wash your dog? would you let your bot wash your fine china? would you let your bot change your baby's diaper??? i say nay.

this, i tell you, is the trouble with robots.

say, how much did you pay for that sweet bot?

another problem with robots are all the additional fees associated with owning one. am i right? see, when you get the robot, you expect it to be able to do all sortsa things for you right? i mean, besides the fact that they look cool and might impress your friends or the ladies a little, you picked up the robot to be a robo-helper. you know, get a couple extra mechanical hands to do your dirty work. this is all well and good, and even sounds like a pretty wise use of your hard-earned dough ball, however, there are a few things to consider when making your purchase. robots are just like all other electronic devices – just because they are "capable" or "ready" for certain tasks or features or functions…doesn't mean they can do it as is! there might (or probably more likely WILL) be other things to buy – accessories, software, etc. for example, your KX-2000 is "dishwashing capable," right? yes…but is it "dishwashing ready?" well let me tell you! no. not at all. your KX-2000 shouldn't be doing any dishes until you've purchased hot water and soap resistant gaskets for it's wrist joints. if you've had a KX-2000 and didn't do this first, you know what i'm talkin' 'bout, right? oh yeah, how much did it cost to replace the sychro-gears for the finger motion mechanisms? almost coulda bought a whole new robot!
anyhow, it's this way with all sortsa "extras" on your robot. i know the KX-2000 is sorta a "budget" model, but it's even true for a top-of-the-line model like a brand-spankin'-new Myobi Excellante 40. for sure i'm serious dude. example: what about the monthly fees for it's navigation system? what about it's warrantee-required routine maintenance schedule? what about the cost for each individual language upgrade even though it's "capable of translating over 300 languages and dialects?" despite the initial sticker-shock when goin' on a "bot search," there are dozens of other expenses to consider after the fact.
this, my friend, is the trouble with robots.

why did the robot cross the road?

he didn't. the sad truth of the matter is that he tried. the trouble with robots is that they can't manage to interpret directions. you see, robots, assuming they do what they're told to do, they do exactly what they're told to do. imagine this scenario:
you decide to send your KX-2000 to the local grocer for some much needed wares (you would go get those products yourself, but what the hell do you have a robot for, right??). you input the grocer's address into the "robot's state-of-the-art" GPS application and send it on it's way. it walks out the door. it makes a sharp right-hand turn onto the sidewalk. it stops at the corner. it pushes the button for the crossing signal. it waits. then the little green walky man appears. the robot begins to cross the street. then, like clockwork, the little green walky guy disappears and the big red flashy hand appears in it's place. what does your robot do? if you said, "it keeps walking," you, sir, are sadly mistaken. if you said, "it stops dead in it's tracks," you, sir, are correct. now what? your robot is standing, smack-dab, in the middle of the street. the simple on and off flashing of the glowing red hand is probably enough to throw your robot into a logic loop, hopefully not resulting in any circuit damage. regardless, one of two things is destined to happen: either the robot will cause a traffic jam waiting for the little green walky guy, OR the robot will get destroyed by a speeding vehicle. either way, no bueno.
now, let's take this situation one step further. let's say the government has placed new Good Samaritan Bots around the city. What do you think would happen if one of these GSBs were to help an elderly lady crossing the street? no big deal you say?? what if it was your granny's parts scattered all across the intersection?you see, it's the little stuff like this that make robots a poor fit with our society.

how many robots does it take to change a light bulb?

one to change the bulb and one to program the first one to do it.
ah har har har.
but seriously, let's keep it real: the whole reason we all robots in the first place is not for the shiny stainless steel bucket of personality, but because we all want gadgets capable of making our lives easier. I tell you that this is one of the troubles with robots – they do not make life easier! quite the contrary my organ-stuffed friend. let's just take the changing of a light bulb for example, I mean, after all, this chore is one of the most annoying and least gratifying. if you have your heart set on having a robot do all of your light bulb changing, here are a few thoughts to consider:

1. robots lack manual dexterity -- robots a clumsy electronic folk. while they can be programmed to move with ever most slight degree of motion, they are not a delicate kind. handling a thin-walled, vacuum-containing, ball of blown glass takes intuition and finesse if it is to be achieved successfully. the simple fact is that most robots have metal fingers. have you ever taken a butter knife in each hand and tried to use them to unscrew a light bulb? well i have. it is not too easily accomplished.

2. robots have difficulty in climbing step-stools and ladders -- again with the clumsiness. bipedal robots can barely walk across the ground, let alone climb a ladder. the next time you see a drunk, stumbling down the street at night, walking with the skill of a robot, ask yourself this: "i wonder how well this gentleman would do on a ladder?" exactly. you see, the robots that are most capable of traversing the average walkway are completely incapable of mounting a step-stool. this pretty much rules them out for reaching the burned out bulb.

3. it is very dangerous to have metal fingers close to light sockets -- i'm not sure if you realize this, but robots are composed largely of metal and circuitry. it is very dangerous, not only to the robot, but to those around the robot, to put a robot in a position where they could possible expose themselves to large voltages (i.e. the 110V @ 60Hz coming outta your local light socket). in the event that the robot recieves this voltage, it certainly could fry all of it's most important circuits and processors either leaving it "dead" or "damaged." now, i probably don't need to tell you this, but a damaged robot could be FAR WORSE than a dead robot. think about it.

and that my freinds, is just one more example of the troubles with robots.

Welcome to my blog.

thank you for reading my first post despite the almost robotically generic heading.
in this blog, i hope to convince you, the biologically-based, likely human reader that robots are a danger to society and, dare i say, life as we know it. not only do i believe that fundamentalist robotism can lead to catastrophic levels of electronic "plague," but i don't really view robots as even a very useful tool in the first place. this blog will aim (albeit with slight, and likely frequent, wandering) to point out the trouble with robots from the miniscule and benign to the continental and tragic.
again, thank you for visiting and stay tuned.